20 Ways to Annoy Marcus
by SOLAR BAILEY
Summary: Just me, Annoying the most boring character in Twilight. EDIT: beware of careless grammar mistakes and stupid comebacks. Made this when I was very young.
1. The List of WaysRawr!

**Attention: I've got the flu and I'm just so bored so I'm making this. Enjoy :] (P.S. Pretend I'm a vampire so I don't have to sleep and stuff…Bear with me here!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Hug-Tackle him randomly throughout the day.

Find out when his birthday is and throw him a huge surprise party. Make sure you get the baby alive, that really craps itself!

Try to set him on fire

Grin at him. The whole day.

Hang onto his legs and laugh. The whole day….

Switch his shampoo with pink hair dye.

Frolick around him and pretend you and him are surrounded by a field of pink flowers…

Ask him where babies come from.

Sing a loud, obnoxious song whenever he's in a room. (EX: Umbrella)

Sing it in a really high voice

Insist he wears a shirt that says "I Heart Bunnies!"

Cry when he refuses.

During important Volturi meeting, barge in and burp –Try to burp- Loudly. Then ask them where the nearest porta potty is.

Explain you lost your fat dude in there

When you find the porta potty, make Marcus stand behind you. (He may distrust you…) Then fall into the porta potty. (Gross, but make sure there is no poopy in there.)

Ask Marcus to save you

Ask him if you can borrow a flame thrower

When he asks why, Tell him fire is pretty

Throw a cantaloupe at Jane

Blame it on Marcus

**There you have it. Not very funny, I know, but blame the flu! **


	2. The first step! Yay!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. This is me trying them out on Marcus**

8:00 P.M

I sat behind Gianna's desk, waiting for Marcus to approach. No sign of him yet. Maybe I'll wait a few more minutes. Gianna was staring at me, watching how my binoculars searched for him.

Not that I needed binoculars, but they looked professional. They made me feel like one of those hitman dudes. Finally, Marcus came around. I quickly flew through the air-like a pretty cool mushroom- and tackled him.

"AGH!" He cried, yes, cried, and ran out the room. I looked at Gianna. "Do you think I was a little too forward?" I asked sadly. She gave me a look and followed after him.

8:35 PM

I stood around the corner where Aro was speaking to Marcus, being extra quiet so they couldn't hear me. "So, brother, where do you think we should-" His speech was cut off when suddenly I come flying out of nowhere and land on Marcus. He landed on the floor. "Why are you doing that!" He shouted angrily. Passing Jane, I left the room happily.

9:00 PM

I had to wait extra time. Marcus is getting a little paranoid. I'm ready for the kill. He carefully stepped into the spot I was. I was only a blur of awesomeness when I attacked him. Marcus hit the ground again, and I laughed. Mission accomplished.

10:24 PM

Marcus is talking to Jane, asking for protection. Since she is the Volturi guard, she agreed. She now stood in front of him, the wives in the back, just in case. He forgot the one place I knew I could tackle him from-The ceiling. Holding onto a lamp, I hovered over Marcus' head. Then I dropped. The wives and Jane looked alarmed. I ran as fast a possible.

11:00 PM

Marcus is speaking with Aro about retaining me from this place. To be honest, I don't know what brought me here anyway. Aro refused, telling him that if I'm only bothering him, the entire Volturi is not threatened. Aro told him to suck it up. I laughed at that. Jane is searching for me on the first floor, not that she'll have any luck there-I dug a hole in the conversation room. (**Bear with me)** Inside the hole, I could see nothing. Which really sucks, but I memorized Marcus' scent so I can tell if he's in the room or not. After about seven long minutes, his weird scent drafted into the room. I popped out of the hole and tackled him.

This is the end of the first way, I'm going to try the next one's later.

**Hehe, the end x] Review if you wanna!**


	3. The second stepRAAAGHH

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Okay, now for the second step. That damn baby alive cost me 50 bucks! I've got EVERYTHING set up and invited everyone! Even the Cullen's, who almost declined, but I got them to go. Marcus is being stalled by Aro, who surprisingly was very excited about this idea.

The surprise party was hosted in this really weird stone room. Seriously, beside the waiting room, they need to put some pizzazz in this place. I'll make a note to redecorate sometime…

The door swung open and Alice, Edward, and the whole lot of them came in. "Yay!" I squealed, hugging all of them. To my displeasure, Bella stood at his side in fear. I muttered, "Baby," Under my breath. She needs to grow some damn balls if she wants to stay here.

Edward glared at me. Dammit, this is my mind! I thought. He looked away. Smiling, I looked out the door to see if anyone else was coming. Gianna was coming down the hall. She came in and took a seat. Oh! I forgot to tell you about the decorations! I had put EVERYTHING in pink! **(Pink is my least favorite color, but you know…Marcus needs the emotional damage) **

The chairs were in pink silk and the table had a pink linen cloth draped handsomely around it. On the table was a big birthday cake (Which I poisoned _just _for anyone who eats it…Mmmhm –Wiggles eyebrows and looks at Bella-.)

I heard Edward's warning to Bella about the cake then. Aww, man! He always ruins the fun! Heidi came in then, curiously looking around, her eyes looked kinda…burned. I guess she doesn't like pink either. Once everyone was here-bringing presents, of course- Marcus came in, Aro on his tail. "Surprise!" Everyone shouted.

Marcus' looked down silently. I danced over to Edward and asked what Marcus was thinking, "He's looking for something to burn himself with." Edward explained quietly. Then Rosalie stomped up to me in a huff. "LOOK WHAT YOU DID NOW! WE CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE TO GO TO SOME STUPID SURPRISE PARTY AND NOW THE BIRTHDAY BOY WANTS TO BURN HIMSELF!" **(Meh, I just had to add the kind of bitchy attitude she would have at this party.) **

I smiled pleasantly. "Miss Bitch not having a good time?" I asked sweetly. "That's it, Where's Jane!?" She screeched. Jane's head popped up by her elbow. "What!?" She snapped irritably. "Burn her." Rosalie commanded. "No, I'm not taking orders from someone like you!"

Carlisle came up beside them now, Esme behind him. Jane drifted away into the party. (Hehe, did I mention there was music! There all dancing!) "You all settle down, Rosalie especially. Were guests here and were lucky were invited." He pacified. "Yeah!" I added. He looked at me, His face told me 'Not helping!' I smiled and announced loudly, "PRESENT TIME!" Everyone quieted and surrounded Marcus.

He was rocking back in forth muttering 'Must…get….out….of…oh my god….they'll KILL ME!" My face: O_o "O…kay then, PRESENTS!" I pulled mine out and handed it to him. He didn't take it. I frowned and opened the present for him. Then I fed the baby alive that was inside.

I quickly took the diaper off and put the baby in his lap. It took a shit all over him. His left eye twitched like crazy. The rest of the presents were boring stuff, the only good one was, let me see….Now ones! Jeez, these people need to get a life! Edward went silent at that one. In fact, since I asked him what Marcus was thinking, he was pretty much silent the whole time. I, for one, had a blast. Well, until next time! BAILEH TELLS YEW GOODBAH!

**Review my prettys and I'll buy you a pony! No, not really, but I'll make you think I'll buy you a pony, but give you a virtual banana instead. Or a virtual cookie! You get the point! Review, If you like it!**


	4. THIRD STEP AWAYYY AWAYYY

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Okay, the third step! Yay! (Try to set him on fire) I have my lighter in my pocket now, and I'm trying to find Marcus, but he's nowhere to be seen! I'm by the desk (Where Heidi's at) crouched by the side.

She's eyeing me-I think she's keeping watch on me and telling Marcus my every move. That TRAITOR! I tackled her to the ground, shining my awesome ninja flashlight in her face. "That's it! I know your hiding something! Spit it out, human person bean!" I demanded.

Her weak eyes squinted against the awesome light. "What!? I don't know what you're talking about!" Hmm, Marcus must have brainwashed her! "You are brainwashed!" I told her. She didn't take it very well. "I know you're trying to get Marcus, but I swear, I didn't tell him anything!"

"I'll keep an eye on you…" I threatened, getting off her. She looked very frazzled as she popped up behind the counter again. I squinted at her until I left the room. Jeez, Marcus is NOWHERE today! Then, I heard murmuring. Yes! It's Marcus! And…Jane? Hmm. He's up to something.

Meh, I'll figure it out later. I burst through the door and chased down Marcus with the lighter. "Catch on fire! FIRE!" He ran around for a while. Jane watched with a bored expression on her face. Party pooper.

I chased him around for a long time. Like, five days until he found Aro, who yelled at me for trying to burn him. I walked away slumped. They're all party poopers.

**Yay! Its done! Yay Yay Yay Yay!! **


	5. Forth step BALLONS

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Alright, I do believe it's time for the forth step! (Grin at him. The whole day…) I walked down the stone floor. Ugh, it's time they get something called…let me see, CARPET! I mean seriously, if some random dude came here and looked around he'd think that he's time traveled.

I laughed at the sight of some fat dude freakin out in Marcus' room, trying to figure out where the hell he's at. Annywayy, I see Marcus. Walking towards him, I put this HUGE really, really, freaky grin on my face.

Marcus looked at me. "What do you want? And why are you grinning so big?" He asked. What a stupid question. He walked onto the main hall, trying to get away from me. I followed him, grinning at his side.

"Don't you have somewhere to be!?" He asked, irritated. I shook my head slowly and widened my eyes. Now that's gotta look creepy, don't you agree? "What is the point of you being here anyway?" He demanded. I just stood there.

Marcus sighed, exasperated. He pinched the bridge of his nose and stood there. "I am way too old for this, and…she's still standing, forbidden to kill her, she's still grinning like a fool…I need a hobby" He muttered to himself.

Hey, he was right. He does need a hobby. I followed him closely the whole rest of the day. "Give it a damn rest you ignorant fool!" He insulted, numerous times.

And by numerous, I mean the whole damn day. Finally, Aro came. He sighed. "Bailey, what did I tell you about Marcus? What did I tell you last time?" I thought of the explicitly of the 'Telling off' and thought twice. "Am I obliged to answer that question?" I asked. Aro sighed again.

"Bailey, please give poor Marcus a break. He needs one." Aro commanded. Psh, needs a break. He's been breaking for like, a lot. I don't really know. Don't give a damn either. I'm just fulfilling the list. That's all I'm doing. Then, Aro reached out and touched my hand.

He sighed, AGAIN. Man, that dude needs to stop sighing. It's kinda annoying. Jeez. "You really need to stop reading that damn FanFiction. It's messing up your brain. One time you rolled on the carpet, just to pass time. I think it's time you get a hobby."

"Well you can take that s*** and shove it up your ass, fattie!" I said.

**Hehe, He's gonna be mad…Kind of short, but I'm updating again today.**


	6. Fifth step! Hurrrrraaay!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

STEP NUMBER FIVE, HERE WE COME BABEH! (Hang onto his legs and laugh. The whole day….) Alright, so Marcus is now chatting with Heidi about something I don't know and/or really have enough energy right now to care about it. The sad thing is that they WON'T STOP TALKING! Heidi just keeps talking away while Marcus pretends to listen.

I'm really getting sick of this now. Okay, the hell with it, I'm hanging on to him starting now, talking or not. I ran into the room and hugged Marcus' legs tightly and started giggling. Why? I don't know. It's fun!

"AGH!" He yelled, trying to swing me off. "Hey!" I started laughing harder, this is hilarious! Seriously, try to imagine Marcus trying to shake me off (I'm hanging on to BOTH legs..) and screaming like a little girl.

"GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" He shrieked, and yes, I do mean shrieked. I only thought girls did that. Not counting my little gay brother in cub scouts though. That punk.

I laughed the whole time. He was freaking out! Finally, he calmed down enough to make sense of what he was doing. So he stopped running in circles and sat down. He had to push his legs up so I could have some room.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" He asked, in a deadly calm voice. Sounded like a freakin refrigerator tried to sing the national anthem. Not very intimidating. I stopped laughing to look up at him. "Nuthin…Watch you doin?"

"I'm going to call Aro, Remember what he did when you called him fat?" I faintly shuddered.

_Flashback!_

"_Well you can take that s*** and shove it up your ass, fattie!" I said. Aro gasped. "I'm…You think I'm fat!" With that, he ran away crying. Marcus looked at me. "Do something!" _

"_What do you want me to do!? He is getting chubbier, maybe he should cut down on the tourists if you know what I mean…" I muttered. Marcus rolled his eyes. "Apologize, before you get burned to shreds!" He hissed._

"_Relax; I'll try to say something helpful. Keyword try." I added. Marcus sighed and pushed me forward. "EXCUSE ME!" I shouted. "Oh my god, just apologize!" He said. I then obliged, grumbling the whole way. Aro was sobbing in his room, letting no one in._

_In my opinion, this was just getting real damn ridiculous. I was just getting smart with him and it hurt his feelings. And how many millenniums has he lived through? Let me see…A LOT. Sheesh. _

_I knocked on the door, pushing past Alec and the rest of the guard. "You can't come in! And I'm never coming out!" His whiny voice rang through the room. Talk about baby._

"_Aro, It's me, Bailey! Let me in!" I said, banging on the door harder. (EWWW…I meant knocking, perverts! Jk, you're not pervs.) He opened it a wee bit. I squeezed in and gasped._

_Aro was getting a treadmill ready and everything. He actually thought I meant it. Wow. Overreact much? I crossed my arms. "Aro, sometimes when someone says something, they don't really mean it, they're just frustrated." I explained._

_He sniffled a little bit. "In this situation, you overreacted when I called you a fattie and to shove that comment up your ass. I was mad, so I said that. There's no way you can actually shove the comment up your ass, and you're not fat. You're a vampire. You can't be fat."_

"_You…You mean it?" Aro asked, still sniffling. I need to explain vampires can't cry sooner or later. "Yeah." I said. "Well you're in for a punishment! Five days under lockdown in your room!" He ordered. Then I was taken away to my room. "SUCK ASS!" I said to Aro as he departed._

_End flashback._

"No, Marcus, you're wrong this time! Aro is still in his room crying because he really thinks he needs to suck ass. I think you may have every right to be bored and never smile." I said in a matter-of-fact voice.

Marcus sighed as I started laughing again. The whole entire day he sat there and I hung onto him and laughed. At times I thought he was hibernating. No, I think he's waiting for me to get off.

Meh, It's about time anyway. I got off and bid him goodnight. He won't have ANY idea of what will happen tomorrow… MUWHAHAH!!!

**Hehehe I'm done! Review if you wanna! **


	7. Sixth step! Lalala

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I do own Carl. **

It is time for step number six! Yay! Okay, so I've snuck into Marcus' private bathroom. It took hell of a lot of time to find it, too. It's like at the damn back of building! Or whatever this place is…

Oh my god…Can you believe it! This mother f***r uses AXE! Hehe, he must want good hair. Wow. A vampire using axe makes me giggle like a maniac with a walrus that just got high and lives in A GOD DAMN REFRIDGERATOR! Okay, I'm calm.

I poured the pink dye into the front of the shampoo. This is not happening. I am NOT seeing a damn rubber ducky in his bathtub. No, Bailey, you are imagining this. Get out of the room before you start to laugh and he catches you. BUT OH MY GOD IT'S A RUBBER DUCKY! "HAHAHA OH MY GOD!" And what do you know, I'm laughing. I quickly poured the rest of the pink in the shampoo and left.

I guess nobody had heard me laughing, because nobody's coming to see what the commotion's about, so I think I'm good. "What's so funny?" Heidi's voice came from down the hallway. Well, damn! They never miss anything, do they? "FUCK!" I shouted, turning around. I get jumpy when I'm doing something wrong sometimes. But only sometimes…You didn't hear that.

"Well don't we have a dirty mouth? Don't worry; we can clean it up with orbit!" (Quote from friend) "Cute, and nothings funny. I just, umm… Kinda wanted to ask you something." I said. Come on, I was under pressure! I've got to think about what to ask her… "What is it?" Heidi asked, a little confused.

SHIT! She needs an answer. Well, duh, she needs and answer, smartass! A little voice in the back of my head thought. Fuck you! No, fuck you! It's fucking the same person, so go give her a damn answer (Random things like this go through my mind daily) umm… "Do these pants make my ass look fat?" I blurted out.

Heidi did a double take. "Uh, no…" Then she walked away, shaking her head. Whew, I thought for a second there she was on to me. But I just have to wait and watch dust go by until Marcus takes a shower.

(EIGHT HOURS LATER)

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The strangled cry you could hear from Mexico, I bet. I am so dead. "BAILEY!" Marcus roared, grabbing me by my throat and making me look at his bright pink hair color. "Nice dew. It works for ya." I complimented. "You do know I don't need to breath right, you can stop trying to strangle me." I told him.

"Aro is going to kill you!" Marcus threatened, a big grin on his face. "What is all this commotion about!?" Caius had come out of his room thing and looked at Marcus' hair. "Oh. Well, allow me, Marcus." Then he attacked me and burned me and stuff. This will be a long week.

"There you are!" Cauis said, clapping his hands together. "Work done."

"Thank you Cauis, She was really being a pain in the-" I chose that point to rise up in form again. "What the fuck!?" I asked. Marcus jumped back. "How did you!? What did you!? Oh my god!" They both started saying at the same time.

"I am the author of this story. You eliminate me, I eliminate you. You choose. But you eliminate me, I'll come back and kick your ass. Still you're choice." I smiled mockingly.

"Fine! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Cauis shouted, running off to his room. I smirked, waiting for Marcus' reaction. He went to an armchair and ran a hand through his newly dyed hair. "Don't worry; I have some black hair dye for you!" I assured him.

"Really?" He asked. I laughed. "No." Then I ran far, far, away…

**HEHE IT'S DONE NOW! REVIEW IF YOU WANNA!**


	8. The seventh stepMUWHAHAHAH

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Step numero seveno! Hurray! (Frolick around him and pretend you and him are surrounded by a field of pink flowers…) Marcus is sitting in the armchair now, staring at something in front of him. I think he's watching the dust, how exciting. Not really.

Well, here I go! I walked towards his chair and imagined a BIG field of flowers. Pretty…There was even a shiny silver one! I paused to stare and drool. Back to work! I need to frolick! I skipped around the armchair with pretty flowers.

"What the hell are you doing now!?" Marcus asked. "FRALALALALA!" I sung, skipping through the air and making sure my hair flew around the place. "Language, my friend! We wouldn't want to upset the flowers, now would we?" I asked in a sickly sweet voice.

He paused and looked at the flowers, who transformed into this weird hole thing. It proceeded to suck him into darkness. "WHAT THE-!? BAILEY, GET ME OUT OF THIS HOLE!" Marcus commanded, his voice echoing through the black darkness.

"You're in Holey Hole's hungry belly! You can't get out unless you say the magic words!" I shouted back. "WHAT ARE THE MAGIC WORDS!?" Was his desperate reply. Seriously, you should have seen him! Hehe, he was screaming his head off, frazzling Holey Hole.

"I don't know. Later." I said, walking off to the hallways to do pilates. "WHAT-WHO'S GONNA GET ME OUT OF HERE!?" Alright, he's completely losing his mind. I guess I should tell him the magic words, without him I can't perform the seventh step…

"Shout this into the Holey Hole's belly! LLAMA LLAMA POTATO MAMA YOU'RE A LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA YOU'RE A LLAMA I'M A LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA MAMA POTATO LLAMA MAMA!"

"How the hell am I supposed to remember all that!?" Marcus asked. I walked back into the room and clapped my hands. Holey Hole disappeared and Marcus sat there in his armchair, out of breath. Vampires don't have to breath…Does he know that? Maybe later I'll tell him.

"What the hell!?" Marcus asked. (I'm gonna act oblivious Hehe, I'm bad…) "What?" I said innocently. "BUT YOU WERE JUST- AND I WAS- THE HOLE WAS- YOU WERE LLAMA MAMA AND THE POTATO!" He sighed and sunk back into the chair.

"Marcus, honey, I think you need some rest…Even though you can't…Pretend and it may work…" I said, acting weirded out. "ARO!" Marcus called. Aro came to his side. "What!" he snapped.

Then he looked at me. "IT'S THE NAME CALLER! I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!" With a final yell/sob, he slammed the stone door to his room. That guy needed therapy.

"What do I do now?" Marcus whined. "Well, lets frolick together!" I suggested. He rolled his eyes, but still let me frolick around him.

(Five hours of hardcore frolicking)

"THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT MARCUS!?" I screamed after I was done frolicking. Marcus just stood there. "MARCUS, I ASKED IF THAT WAS FUN!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!?" I screamed again. "Yes. That was very fun. Get out of my way." He ordered.

"Hey! That wasn't nice! No pushing!" I said quietly, brushing off my shoulder. "I don't care." Marcus said rudely. My bottom lip wobbled and my eyes filled with invisible tears. Then I started dry-sobbing.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" I cried, LOUDLY. Loud enough to make Marcus feel like an asshole. He is an asshole. That was mean of him, pushing me then saying mean things. I should kick him in his ancient balls.

And so I did. That is why Marcus is laying down on the floor twitching like and idiot. I think I knocked some of his vampire ball things out. Oh well. He wasn't using them, really. His wife died.

**Hehe. There it is. Reviews make me happy!**


	9. The eighth step :PP

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight And I'm sorry for the long time to update too :]**

It is now time for the eighth step… (Ask him where babies come from)

I'm walking in the dreary hallways, looking for Marcus. Ever since I kicked him in his balls, he's been avoiding me. Funny, I thought vampires can't feel pain. Maybe it's just that…certain area.

I saw a figure standing at the back of the hallway, so I ran up to it. I groaned when I saw it was Jane. "Where the hell is Marcus?" I asked impatiently. "I don't know." She said, not looking at me.

"Liar. Where is he?" I asked again. I knew she was lying, Marcus probably told her not to tell. "No, really, I don't know!" She insisted, still not looking at me. "Jane, I'll will let you burn him for ten minutes if you tell me where he is. And I'll take the blame, too." I bribed.

She sighed. "He's downstairs, hiding under Heidi's desk. I can't believe you couldn't find him. You walked past him about seven times already." Jane told me. "Boo, bitch." I said, and walked away.

Indeed, Marcus was hiding under the desk. I pulled him out with ease. He tried to run, but I held him back. "Hey! I only want to ask you a question!" I said, frowning. This should be good… He looked suspicious. "What?" Marcus asked. "Where do babies come from?" Marcus reeled back. "No damn way I'm answering that." I continued to stare at him.

"Ask Aro!" He said, his eyes widening. "No." I protested simply. Marcus sighed and I put him down so he could sit in Heidi's chair. She had left when she saw us together.

"Well, first-"

(An hour and about twenty questions later…)

Marcus sat with his face in his hands while I screwed up my face in mock confusion. "So do you have to put the thing in to work? Can you use a hairdryer or something like that?" I asked. "NO YOU CANNOT USE A HAIRDRYER TO MAKE CHILDREN!" Marcus yelled.

"But what about a corndog?" I asked. "NOT A CORNDOG EITHER!" He screamed. "Oh. I get it now!" Marcus looked up with relief. "Really?" "No." I said blankly. "WHAT ELSE DO YOU NOT GET!?" He screeched like a chimpanzee without it's bouncy ball. "How does it fit-"

(Two hours later)

"AGH!!!!!!" Marcus cried, jumping out of the chair and into Aro's arms. "Marcus, what is the matter this time?" Aro asked. Marcus pointed at me. I ran away uber fast.

**Dere it is. I shall update later on.**


	10. The ninth step! :D

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

TIME FOR STEP NINE AND TEN! (Sing a loud, obnoxious song when he's in the room. Sing it in a really high voice.) Marcus is officially afraid of me now, flinching every now and then when I walk around him. Personally, I don't know what his problem is. I'm just trying to do things the damn list tells me to! Jesus Christ. Talk about overreaction!

Anyway, Jane got Marcus and burned him for ten minutes. I, as promised, took the blame and got in HUGE trouble. Aro sent me to my room for about five months before I could get out. What a dumbass, I'm not five anymore.

Once again, I cannot seem to find him. I'm looking EVERYWHERE and I just can't see him anywhere. Damn him. I crept down one of the hallways and found a door. I pushed on it to try to get it open, but no success.

I grunted and walked all the way back down the hallway and charged back to the door. It smashed into a million pieces. The room was filled with light and in the corner was just the person I was looking for. Or vampire, whatever you prefer…

He squealed like a little girl and tried to zoom past me. I grabbed him by the neck and forced him around. "Look, If I am to complete this next two steps your gonna stay here mother fucker, GOT THAT!?" I screamed to his face.

He whimpered and nodded. "Good…Now all you have to do is stay here and act natural…" I said, putting him down slowly.

"STOP IT! JUST STOP YOUR HORRID SINGING!" Marcus screamed, running from me in the halls. "UNDER MY UMBRELLA ELLA ELLA EH EH EH EH!"

"STOP! IT'S KILLING ME!" He cried, running faster. I gained up on him, still singing in that terrible tone and tackled him from behind.

"GET OFF!! ARO!!!" He screamed. Aro drifted towards the scene. "WHAT THE HELL! BAILEY, GET OFF HIM!" "Fuck that, I'm having too much fun!" I said, singing louder.

"What is that _noise_?" Alec said, appearing from behind Aro. Aro sighed and turned to him. "Bailey is driving our dear Marcus insane again." He explained. I was only completing the list! Jesus Christ…

"Get _off._" Marcus growled. I sighed and got off. Before anyone could do anything, I ran off. Nobody will be able to find me, I've got the best plan anyone could ever think of…

**I'm ending it right here…writers block sucks…**


	11. The Eleventh and Twelveth step xD

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. And ho-lee-crap I have not updated in a very merry long time and I apologize so much that a cow covers his ears with a dishwasher to get the annoying sound of "I'M SORRY" Out of his head. I'M SO FREAKIN SORRY!**

Okay, so now we start step eleven and twelve. (Insist he wears a shirt that says "I Heart Bunnies!" Cry when he refuses.) For two whole weeks I had been living under the ground in a cave I dug out, making several plans. I picked the plan that would be most likely to work.

This plan is simple, yet brilliant. Marcus has been hiding by the rest of the guard ever since the last steps. He's getting really paranoid now- jumping at the slightest noises I would make while pacing in the cave. I'm going to have to watch my step or I'll be caught, and mind you I want to keep this cave secret.

Anyway, back to the plan. I've been snatching paper from Heidi's desk up front and writing numerous letters from the Cullen's. I wrote in the letter that the whole Cullen family will be meeting in front of the Volturi entrance. Marcus is way too paranoid to go outside so he stays in. I also wrote that every single Volturi guard must be there for important reasons. In precisely one hour they will all leave, and Marcus would be alone for my next steps to work.

I sighed and sat on the dry floor. If this plan didn't work then I would have to resort to plan B. Run around screaming as a distraction. But I don't see how that would really work, so scratch that. I don't have a plan B.

I picked up the "I heart Bunnies!" Shirt and twirled it around in my fingers. If Marcus was going to be a baby like this then I could never finish the rest of the steps. I heard the slight creaking of the dirt above as all the Volturi guard filed out. I waited until all the footsteps to fade before crawling out. I wiped dirt from my nose. The cave was useful, but you get tons of dirt on you. I probably look like a mud/dirt monster right now. But I can't afford to waste my time on appearances, I must find Marcus.

Every room I saw was empty. God damn Marcus. He could always make this easier by just showing himself- I'm getting sick and tired of dragging him out from somewhere. Jesus.

Finally, after a million doors, I found him. He was hunched over in some poorly dug hole in the ground. I sighed and chuckled. He will never have that ability to dig holes like I could. Turd. I grabbed him by the collar and forced him up.

He squealed and started struggling against my awesomeness grip. I took a moment to admire my muscles. How beautiful! Back to reality… I set him down. "Marcus, please! I only wanted to give you something!" I said loudly, even though he was right by my side.

He looked suspiciously at me. "What is it…?" Marcus asked carefully. I held up the shirt and grinned. "Isn't it PRETTY?" I squeaked. "…No…" He said, looking at it. "Marcus, won't you wear it for me?" I asked him, looking up with these cute anime eyes you only see on the internet. Oh the internet… "Defiantly not." Marcus said firmly, acting as though that ended the topic. It didn't.

My lip wobbled. "But…But…" I said innocently. Before he could do anything, I started wailing. "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO WEAR THE PRETTY SHIRT?" I screamed, covering my face and wiping away the non-existent tears. "D-don't- Wait- You can't-" He stuttered, waving his arms around my sobbing face.

"FINE! I'll wear it, just STOP CRYING!" He bellowed, taking the shirt. I sobbed crying immediately, sniffling. Marcus examined it, his expression disgust. "This is five sizes smaller than what I usually wear!" He protested.

I whimpered and was about to sob again, but he took his shirt off and put the smaller one on. I heard vague comments of "Disgusting." And "Humiliating." From him, but he kept on walking with me. The rest of the Volturi guard started piling back in, looking disgruntled. They took one look at Marcus and started laughing.

I smirked. My plan had been successful! Marcus in a tight shirt was not a very happy sight. Most of the guard was gagging at the sight of him. Even Aro and Cauis were trying to hold back grins. I sighed and ran away to my secret underground cave. No doubt this was one of the best days of my existence.

**Don't worry fellow readers of this Fanfiction! I'm going to be updating more today! Again, I apologize. :D Reviews make me a happy pappy person.**


	12. The 13, 14, 15, and 16 steps! :PP

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight so you can just go kill a llama and eat it's liver because I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT.**

Now it is indeed time for the thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, and sixteenth steps! (During an important Volturi meeting, barge in and burp- Try to burp- Loudly. Then ask them where the nearest porta potty is. Explain you lost your fat dude in there. When you find the nearest porta potty, make Marcus stand behind you. (He may distrust you…) Then fall into the porta potty. (Gross, but make sure there is no poopy in there.) Ask Marcus to save you.)

Okay. Ever since the whole shirt bunny incident Marcus has been throwing death glares at me. Oh, look, there's another one. At least I know where he is. He's now acting like I'm intimidated by his powerfulness. I stuck my tongue out at him. Marcus recoiled and gave me a look.

The important Volturi meeting starts in three minutes. I sighed in relief when Aro told me that he didn't want me anywhere close to the meeting. That meano. I should stab him in the armpit. That'll show him.

After about an hour of the Volturi meeting, I decided it was my time to act. I shoved open the doors and made the best impression of a human burp. It went for five minutes. "Gross." Someone commented from the back. Marcus had a look of bewilderment on his face. Aro and Jane were glaring at me. Aro because I called him names and Jane because she just does that to everyone. Asshole.

"QUICK! ARO! WHERE CAN I FIND THE CLOSEST PORTA POTTY?" I asked frantically. He looked confused. "Why?" Aro questioned, giving me a look. "BECAUSE I LOST MY FAT DUDE AND I REALLY, REALLY WANT HIM BACK!" I sobbed.

Aro gave me another look and said, "The nearest one is by that new house down by Fart Street." (I couldn't figure any other name.) I thanked him, grabbed Marcus by the arm, and sped directly towards Fart Street. After about two seconds of running, I stopped upon a yellow porta potty. "Bailey! Let go!" Marcus protested, yanking his arm back. I glared at him and checked the porta potty. Luckily, it was empty.

"Marcus, stand behind me while I look for my fat dude!" I ordered, pointing at my ass. "Fine. Make it quick though, I've got to get back to the meeting." He said dully. I laughed. He had finally learned that arguing will get him nowhere.

I fell in the porta potty and screamed loudly. "MARCUS HELP ME I'M GONNA DIE IN THIS PORTA POTTY SAVE ME MARCUS OTHERWISE I'LL DIE OF THE SMELL OF LLAMAS IN THE DRYER HELP ME MARCUS OR I'LL KILL YOU AND THEN A SQUIRREL PASSERBY!" I shouted, running around in circles. I heard an exasperated sigh and an arm reached down and grabbed my by the neck and pulled me up. I grinned. "Why thank you Marcus!" I said happily. Before he could say anything, I kicked him in his ancient balls again and ran back into the cave before he could kill me.


	13. The last and final chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Steps 17 and 18! (Ask to borrow a flame thrower, when he asks why; tell him the fire is pretty.

I paced my room thoughtfully. Yesterday Aro found my secret cave and smashed it in and ordered me into my room. That asshole even put guards by my door. I tried to ask them to let me out, but no avail.

_Flashback_

_"Hey Mr. Guard, I'll give you a mongoose if you let me out…" I bribed the guard desperately. "Keep quiet, you!" The guard snapped. "But what-" _

_"ZZT!" The guard cut me off. "THAT'S NOT-" "ZZT!" "AT LEAST LET ME-" "ZZT!" "FUCK THIS-" "ZZT!" "LET ME FUCKING SPEA-" "ZZT" "IMA FUCKING POP A CAP IN YOUR OWL ASS IF YOU DON'T-" "ZZT!" "AGH!!!" _

_End flashback_

I even tried banging against the walls, but it still didn't work! I needed a plan that would get me out of this hell hole, and fast. Maybe I could annoy them so much that they'd have to let me out! Muwhahah! Those bitches won't know what hit them!

I filled my lungs with air and let a piercing shriek that echoed across the stone room. After two hours of nonstop screaming, the guard knocked on my door and said irritably, "Stop the screaming!" I increased volume.

On several occasions I heard Aro or Cauis speak to the guards about shutting me up, but nothing they did could stop me. I let my spine-chilling scream go on for many days until the guards got fed up and came in the room. "We will let you out if you stop the horrid screaming!" One of the guards, who I named Assbitch #1, said.

I was escorted out by Assbitch #2, who told me to stay out of trouble. "In your dreams mother fucker!" I shouted loudly, and with an air of great accomplishment, I kicked him in the balls and ran. I think I like doing that. That can be my signature move from now on! I smirked and made my way to Marcus, who was surprisingly very easy to find. When he saw me he immediately crossed his legs. "I thought you were locked up!" He said, covering his balls.

"You can relax; I only wanted to borrow a flame thrower." I told him calmly. "Why would you need a flame thrower?" Marcus asked suspiciously. "Just tell me where the damn flame throwers are at!" "Why do you need a flame thrower?" Marcus asked insistently. "God damn it! Because the fucking fire is pretty! I'll stay out of your nut hair if you just tell me where they are!"

Marcus sighed and led me into a room with a thousand flame throwers inside. It was like walking into heaven. "Only one," Marcus said firmly. I flicked him off and grabbed five and lit them all. "DIE FUCKER!" I laughed, running around and lighting random vampires.

Jane was dashing behind me, trying to make me feel like _I_ was on fire. "NOT TODAY JANIE!" I cried, pointing one of the flame throwers at her and blasting it. She fell behind quickly.

I laughed and swept through all the stupid stone rooms, blasting anyone in sight. It was total chaos. Vampires were running around with their head's on fire, the hallways were engulfed with flames, people were screaming, and my psychotic laughter echoed around the building. **(A/N: I'm also going to do the last steps (Throw a cantaloupe at Jane and blame it on Marcus, because I don't think they'd allow me to stay.)**

In order to do the last steps, I grabbed a cantaloupe (That wasn't on fire…) and went to Jane. She was extinguishing one of the fires in the conference room. I lobbed the cantaloupe at her head as hard as I could. She rubbed her cranium and looked at me. "What the fuck!?" she asked. "Marcus did that, not me." I told her solemnly. "MARCUS ISN'T EVEN HERE!" Jane screeched manically. "Bitch," I commented, then went to go set fire to other unsuspecting vampires.

I headed to Marcus' quarters and blasted the whole thing apart. I believe this is the revenge they get for locking me in that blasted room for a fucking ETERNITY! I then proceeded to blast Aro and Cauis' rooms as well. I found a can of blue spray paint and wrote on the wall: "DON'T FUCK WITH BAILEY"

And it was done. The list has been completed. After one almighty kick to Marcus' balls, I ran for my life out the sewer crate and proceeded to Africa.

**There it is. Should I make another chapter where they find and murder me in somewhere in Africa? Should I annoy someone else? Tell me what you think in a review. And was I too harsh? Personally, I've been itching for a long time to set something on fire since the fire in the church incident… Don't ask… O_o **


End file.
